The Founder: A Literal Satire

While the baby wordcels were out playing with alphabet blocks, he was hacking his first major computer system. 

The Founder… was not like the other kids. 

While the other kids were studying Woke literature, he was putting together his first minimum viable product. That was the first time the CIA came around to do some “testing”. 

 So you knew right there. This was a special case. Bending spoons by 6th grade. With C++. Indeed, the Founder was born with the Innate Technical Mind (cradle to grave 10x engineer) / The Entrepreneur’s Curse / The Wordcel’s Born Enemy. 

Schoolyard harassment was done in person before he founded cyberbullying. His first real startup: renting out a botnet AI to other kids showing early signs of dark triad personality traits. Trained on 10 years of 4chan data, it would someday net him his first internship: working at X.

Soon, he had a thriving seed stage startup that already had revenue and that was expanding throughout the school district. That’s when the FBI showed up, something about a suicide the next two towns over. LOL. He pivoted; added a deepfake plug-in. The finely tuned Innate Technical Mind that saw a product-market fit everywhere he went. That’ll show these slut whore bitches.

You were going to college? He was already being expelled for “hate crimes”. But then he got into Peter Thiel’s Alternative School for Behavior Disordered youth. Peter Thiel, founder of Free Speech hate crimes. Peter taught him that the Founder… didn’t need college. He was BETTER than college. And worse, he couldn’t *succeed* in college anyway, that hated the Founder and strove to stop or even, god forbid, ban him. The schools were slow, incumbent, full of regulation and restriction. Schools were dominated by the mind-virused Woke elite, he would come to learn, had actually set out to DESTROY the Founder; making him in fact, not only a minority but a persecuted one.

And so he got on his plane — it’s nothing to be ashamed of, your parents having money from the CIA — and he went to the Bay Area. Or Miami, or Atlanta, or Texas, to get into the bitcoin mining business. He headed right for the Land of Building. 

That is because the Founder, as he was soon about to discover … was not an incel after all. 

He was a Builder. 

He met his new brothers in the company town. Finally, belonging. He was assigned to the “HACKER DORMITORY, PALTO ALTO, COT #58231”. No homo (well, kindof homo like his hero Peter Thiel). He was now an L1. 

And they welcomed him as one of their own, even counseled him. No, they CONSOLED him, masculinity be damned! That indeed he HAD been left behind by society, and that there WAS a reason, a deep, dark reason, why he had always been ostracized. You see, it turns out that he and people like him, (the Founders), were simply and scientifically uniquely suited to the task of Building society. Of course!! It made so much sense. 

 As a superior being — an L1 and someday a potential L1.395 engineer — he was naturally immune to the Work virus. He learned that his immunity from the Woke virus was what allowed him to focus on Building. In particular, and this is specified very clearly in the file, he was a SANE man. Not possessed of the maladies that the “Wokes” endlessly gave as the reason they couldn’t “build” and thus must be taken care of by the Builders. Fucking parasites. The Founder thought: *I’m* on Prozac, Nuvigil, Adderral, Lithium, Abilify and an artisanal microdosed LSD/ecstasy mix (1:10), yet have no mental illness. Losers.

Luckily, there in the wreckage of San Francisco, there in Build Landia, he could exist for no other purpose than to Build Things. He was sheltered from the Wokes for the first time in his life. He lived and breathed American Dynamism, the age of the titans, awesome feats of engineering like the Mars colony (unrealized), and the browser, it was all happening!!!! 

Indeed, this was a better life for the Founder. For the first time, he lived in the tender embrace of like souls. He signed up for ALL the anti-aging human testing. He heard a rumor once that Marc Andreessen was slated to live to 145. 

147 now that he had given up drinking alone at night. The burden of history. 

The Founder, a modest man, hoped for 125. The higher up you get, the more advanced the scientific breakthroughs, and the further along in the “study”. An L7 was nine layers up from testing on rabbits. The Founder? Two layers. That’s 10x engineering. Being an L1, you were sometimes quite ill indeed from the clinical trials. All a worthy sacrifice for the rising venture capital stat — [REDACTED]. Gotta be careful what you said around here. They executed a kid for leaving a prototype iPhone at a bar once. 

Steve Jobs, there is a man who understood that innovation = suffering. For now, the Founder channeled these historical founders; perhaps he is the new Tesla, he might be forgiven for thinking. 

He went to work. And after 6.5 months, it paid off. Accepted, YCombinator. $50,000 and the venture capitalists get 45% of the company. Dope. They usually take 65%. A special case.  

Soon after, his company launched the first drone bomb -pegged cryptocurrency. A Stablecoin, if you will, because what is more reliable in this world than endless war? Take that, USD. Another thing the Wokes hated: mindless slaughter of women and children. These people were broke for a reason.

At YCombinator demo day, the Founder brought a live goat onto the stage, and drone bombed it. The drone remote? About the size of an iPhone. A touching tribute to a fallen hero. Jobs should’ve signed up for the anti-aging tea experiment. On the screen behind the Founder, a financial chart of the Stablecoin updated in micro-time. Palmer Luckey’s eyes glowed in the darkness.  

To think: someday to have your finger on a whole new kind of Atom bomb. Oppenheimer thought the atmosphere might burn up… perhaps The Founder may be forgiven for thinking that someday, he might have his finger on the demolition of the galaxy itself. Finishing off Oppenheim’s work. How old Op would roll in his spit in the burning fires of hell to see his work completed!!! 

The demo day was tough. For such a great man, he was perhaps unassuming. American Apparel sweatshirts, Brook Brothers kind of vibe. An underdog. You wouldn’t exactly call him charming, but he possessed the ability to draw people in to something bigger than themselves, to make them see what he saw, to show and ally them through his, you guessed it, indomitable will. He was able to enlist others into his crazy mission with ease. He was skilled in plucking out the exact right crew, the other 10x engineers from a sea of mediocres, possible psychotics, paranoids, drug addicts, woke pilled and wordcels and transes.

His pitch deck alone, enough to make people believe in what they had previously thought to be impossible. 

And greatness recognizes greatness. The venture capitalists in the audience saw it, blood from the goat on all their faces. Marc stood up in the back: and YOU get to be a Builder!!! 

He secured the series A easily from Andreessen Andreessen (a19z). Meaning he now owned .007% of his own company. And people called Marc a “financial criminal”. Wow. The round was joined by the CIA’s VC arm. And people call Marc a “CIA agent”. There was a woman venture capitalist from Lux evaluating the pitch. And they say there are no women in tech.  

Dilution is a bitch, but you know what is worse? Inflation. 

$250 million in the bank from the war chest, now it truly began. 

The Founder worked tirelessly for his vision, sacrificing his health, family and relationships, his children, his mother (dying of cancer), his pet attack hamster (from a stealth startup. Definitely not a “emotional support animal”), and his company-issued girlfriend, which you unlock at L9 or automatically upon a Series A of more than 10 million dollars. 

It felt good to be out of the house; after all, his new wife was a gold digging whore and his children were wordcels. The VC-issued girlfriends were much more quality than the startup-issued ones, but he had exited too soon. To be too early or too late is the difference between a 7 and a 10, if you caught his drift.

He and his team moved into an a19z housing project, far from Atherton, to better focus. Late into the night he toiled with the team, pouring over Nietzsche, Mein Kampf and Marc Andreessen’s ebook of his best blog posts from the cloud computing era. Foundational texts.  

He met with potential customers, and his new CIA handler. Nice guy. Seen things. 

He battled with Sales and Marketing. These were the Woke Virus departments, perhaps an early warning sign that something was deeply wrong. Forced down your throat like a DEI workshop. 

Marc said in a furry Nazi-only internal memo, not to worry about those stupid ugly sluts in marketing, the marketing department was only until they could overthrow the US government and use this dying piece of shit country as an incubator / labor colony for their new nation-state. 

The first country to have 98% men.  

The Founder ran his shop Lean Agile Managerless (the LAM stack). He navigated sexual harassment complaints in the office, achieving minimal payout and substantive, wide ranging NDAs. Venture capitalists loved to see that. Table stakes. 

A Series B right there.

To his workers, he was a benevolent dictator, respected, but feared, like Linus Torvalds. Perhaps he may be forgive that he himself, was just a little like Torvalds. But the real fit was Steve Jobs. Like Steve Jobs, the Founder was perhaps known to fly into absolute apoplectic fits of rage if some bit of code was found to consume too much disk I/O. Steve once threw an early iPhone prototype into a fish tank. See the bubbles coming out? That means you have room to make it fucking smaller. And then there was the execution for the iPhone leak. 

Perhaps, the Founder may be forgiven for thinking, he was just a bit like Jobs. He ordered a hit on an intern, just to see how it felt. Actually, it felt a little bad. And it went on like that and the Builder went right along, Building (decimating American financial infrastructure). Heads down. Like they all were.

And that was how the Founders never even saw it coming. 

The Wokes came, in stronger numbers than even before. They had finally gone insane with jealousy over the Founder’s Innate Technical Mind, over the Startups, over  the Revenue, over the Money Laundering, over the Feature Set, over the War Crimes. So incensed were they — that a man might make money off of his Innovation, that Meritocracy WORKED!! That there WAS a mind that was innately 10x better than anyone else and that was just science!!! That children were dying on the streets!!

While the Founders were heads-down, the Wokes had devised a new weapon too. Bigger than anything Oppenheimer had even dreamed. He would beg to be let back into hell.

“Cancellation”.

 They could take everything away from a Founder. 

Without even having to prove anything or make any points, and just from delusions and rages of the weak, the bitter, the envious, the inferior mind, motivated solely with bigoted hate, acting out of jealous weakness, of humanitarian concern, love for the fellow men and the poor,

The Founder could lose it all, just for suggesting that genocide wasn’t actually that bad. (Editors note: historians have found no evidence that the Founder lost, or was ever at risk of losing, anything at all).  

And yet, our Founder, thought it wouldn’t be him.

 That’s what they all thought… at first. 

But they came for him too!!! Him and his FAMILY, because above all things, the Founder was a family man. He had mouths to feed!! Outside of the venture capital welfare state, he wouldn’t survive. A Shape Rotator in Wordcel-occupied territory? Goner.

When they came for him, part of him knew that it was inevitable. His charges? Creating a hostile work environment resulting in loss of life. Absolute insanity. An outrage. He vowed to show his employees a REAL hostile work environment!!! He would show them “a workplace run by an obvious psychopath”!!!

Perhaps, he could be forgiven for thinking, he was a bit like the (former) Github CEO. RIP he fell to the Wokes.

At least the Founder was not alone in this definitely exteriorly-imposed exile. ALL of the founders were there with him. Indeed, his brothers were falling in battle besides him. The Woke came from the sky like Palmer Luckey-engineered drone swarms, frothing at the mouth with the delirium of the Virus. 

Palmer Luckey. What a fucking champ. To think that he, the Founder, was in the same large scale financial conspiracy as fucking Palmer Luckey!! Surf is UP. 

Perhaps he could be forgiven for thinking, he was just a little bit like Palmer Luckey. 

So when they came for Palmer, that was the TRUE final straw. Just because he had “killed dozens of people, maybe thousands, including children”.

They even came for Marc. Particularly this one psycho bitch, “Shanley Kane”. Heir apparent, she might be forgiven for thinking, of Lenin.

The Woke assaults took their toll, and eventually, the Founders were all but IN HIDING. Luckily they had lots and lots of underground bunkers. That good Sam Altman! Everyone said he was insane before he announced he could fit 20,000 people in a complex network of tunnels underneath an otherwise modest house. A benefit of joining the a19z RICO case as a defendant. Like a Soho House but resistant to nuclear war.

The Founder entered into his only personal crypto winter: sixty days of personal therapy on the recommendations of his company’s HR department. 

Persecuted. 

How could this be? Indeed, his kind was being driven underground in what script kiddies would come to know as the great Awokening, when men like them retreated for fear, FEAR, of some keyboard warrior, tenderqueer SJW snowflake cunt bitch, who could kill your startup over one tweet she, I’m sorry *THEY*, didn’t like. How would SHE like to be killed? 

How did this happen to the Builders? The Founders reflected. They consulted, but did not read, some theories of history, some philosophy of a new and better state which they could someday arrive in. The Builders had been so busy Building that the hadn’t even noticed as the Woke elite took over the schools, the big tech companies, even the news media. They were so busy that they hadn’t read any books.

Innovation itself was under threat and it became impossible for the Founders to freely and deeply drive innovation and continuously deploy mental illness-causing data weapons into every device on earth while ensconcing all democratic liberal society in a sprawling surveillance net.

Einstein would never have been able to invent the light bulb in the Woke environment. Oppenheimer never would’ve gotten THAT one past the Woke pissbabys. 

Christopher Columbus? The OG founder? Fucking cancelled. Like the Founder said, genocide wasn’t that bad.

It was a long Crypto Winter. And yet come that very spring, something just… broke. The country itself depended so deeply on the Founder, that having chased him away, it had fallen into financial ruin that definitely was NOT created by the capitalist financial system. Because the growth and vitality of this fucking country depended on the Founder, it fell without them. And the Wokes? They came crawling back. Just begging for artificial intelligence, because they themselves had none organic.  

But while the Wokes could have learned something from this — submission, perhaps — it appeared they didn’t. The Wokes had come back to drown the Founder, as one might inadvertently drown a lifeguard in the middle of they themselves drowning.

But fuck them. This was their own fault.

Through the Woke persecution of multi-billionaires and soon-trillionaires, the worse case scenario had been realized. The country had become unable to out-Build, leaving it vulnerable to being picked off by Communist states like Russia and China. There was only one thing worse than a wordcel: a Communist wordcel. Like Marx. Das Kapital: the yoke of the trillionaire class.

 Marc tried to tell the Founders not to worry. “We have a killer drone army, Peter and I have been planning for this for 4 decades,” he said. If Marc said something — perhaps, “run the Silicon Valley Bank”, you did it. Yet it was hard not to wonder, knowing that Huawei had purchased barracks right next to Anduril through a Sequoia shitcoin op. That meant only one thing: cold war.  

There was another scenario, even more frightening, that no engineer below a L8.345 would even let escape his lips. Marc tried to contain the panic, but even unsaid, it rippled through the entire innovation economy. 

The possibility of global communist revolution.

The now-thriving communist party of America was a threat almost as formidable as the Russians. (Editors note: there was no viable communist party in America). 

This is why we needed fascist revolution, the Founders began to whisper between them. This is why we need a Fascist state. Then we can keep out the Communist Threat, and get back to Building — building some fucking borders around us. Preferably policed by a19z weaponry, of course, which already carefully guarded the US/Mexico border, the Israel/Palestine border and the San Franciso/Oakland border.

After all, borders were important. Borders for the BITCOIN CITY and COP CITY and DRONE CITY and SAM ALTMAN (WHO IS NOT INSANE)’s UNDERGROUND BUNKER CITY. Great shit. 

One thing everyone agreed on: It was time to Build. It was a time for unity. The development of a fascist national consciousness, if you will. The Wokes must be dealt with. The Founder must defend the Innovation Economy, even if he died of the Woke mind virus in the process. It would be an HONOR to die in Palmer’s army for Marc’s war. 

No, it would be a pleasure. 

These were dark times and guess what wordcels, it was about to get darker. Masks off. The great New Man had no other choice but to fight. To fight for innovation. To fight for progress. To fight for huma — what’s that? Oh, *not* humanity? But it says her — to fight for innovation. 

The Founder had been down one time, been down two times, and he was never going back again. Now, he stands UP and fights BACK against the woke elite  — he understood now that not even conceding to their demands was enough to sate them. We gave you the fucking diversity department, we MADE the sexual predator take a few days off to think about his actions, how much more could you possibly ask for from them, you weaklings?!?!? 

The Wokes would always want more, more, more handouts from the Founder than he was already giving. 

Enough. No, this time, he and his brothers would never back down, never give up fighting. The Wokes had shown that nothing would stand in their way on the path of communist tyranny. Very well. The Founder then, would show them a different path of tyranny. Perhaps, he may be forgiven for thinking, he was a bit like Columbus himself.

 He was forced by their hand to embody that which they most feared. He would become… Dark Batma — a cryptocurrency CTO trying to cause a coup in a tiny country in the global south where he could build a Bitcoin mine for free using prison labor.

He would Build anew of the destruction that the Woke mind virus had left behind. He would lead a lost generation. He would save us from the Communists — he’s not afraid of them anymore, and he’s going to make sure that no one else has to live in fear, ever again. 

In fact, he will kill all the communists. 

He, like his brothers, looked across the country they had ruined. There is nothing left worth saving here in fucking fallen America, they told each other. The only way to go is up, up, up, up. And to the right. Further right than ever before. Perhaps he could be forgiven for thinking he was a bit like